Fear/Wish

I know not how to make it
     that you are not like me.
                                                      He is not like mine was.
                                         But mine was not like that until
                                                      He was.
         I have no proof he will not harm you.
                     I can not promise there will be no hurt.
                                I can not stop whatever will happen.


Mine took me by the hand
               Made me feel special
         Made me feel wanted
                                               And no one had ever done that for me before.
                     And then later
                          pretending I was grown up
                                             I did things I had never done before.
And I was so proud
           Proud I could bring him pleasure
                                    I felt older, wiser, better.

                              And then he took everything.

           I do not want you to be helpless.
                          I do not want it to be you,
                                 carving all those words into your skin as I did
               writing lines and lines
                      on how damaged you are, how ruined.

                                                    I can not make it not be you
                                    lying on that bed, his hand around your throat
                      crying out and hearing his parents walk away from your screams
          knowing all the way home that you were bleeding out, aching, sore, hurt by him.

                               I can not trust him not to do that.
                               I can not let that girl be you.
                               I can not let you go, not yet.

      And I'm sorry
                   for filling this new romance with my fears
                         for the sick feeling in my stomach when he talks of you
                               for not seeing that you are not me
          Two years older
                so much brighter
                  so much more alive
                    so much better.
                                             You would not make the mistakes I made.


                        But if you ever were to need me
         And I hope, hope, hope that it will never be so
                                         I am here.
                      No matter what it would bring out in me
                                                        Because
     I am broken already
          So damaged
               So wrong
                                       What is it to me?
                             I will save you, I will shelter you
                                         As no one could with me.

                        I can not let go of this fear
             But, for you both, I can manage, a little, to hope.